The One

Have you ever found this one song, that it's lyrics describe your life perfectly to the T of what is happening in your life and the emotions and everything that you are going though?
Before I tell you what this song is, let me just give you a little recap of my life as of current. I seem to not every say much about my current life as happening seeing as I have this horrible tendency not to blog very much.

So my life as of current, for lack of a better term and I don't mean to say this as a pity party to make you feel bad for me, is shit. My relationship with my family has gone straight down the tubes. And when I say my family I mean my mother and my youngest sister, who I have spent my life growing up with and who I was sharing a house with until recently. Now I love my mother and my sister with all of my heart. But they are no longer good for me in my life. My mother has gone through 2 divorces, the second (my father) was the worst of all. By the time I was about 10 or 11 she was just really exhausted after raising her two oldest kids, that she sort of wanted a second try at the dating game that she never had in her 20s and kind of gave up as a mother. Don't get me wrong she had her moments at times and to be completely honest I probably wouldn't be the person I am today without having someone like her in my life. But recently, since my high school years, we no longer get a long and more often than not it feels as though I am the parent and she is the angsty hormonal teenager. I just could no longer handle it and now our relationship has become very strained.

As for my little sister, let's just say she is a total 10. She is drop dead gorgeous. Like perfect hourglass figure, the hair, the skin, the teeth, the whole 9 yards. Men and boys alike have always wanted her when we were growing up and I am sure that is how it will be for the rest of her life. I have always felt somewhat insecure about how I look because of this, and though growing up my sister and I have tried and sometimes were each others best friend, my sister would play on my insecurities. If she didn't get her way she would threaten to 'steal' whatever boy I had been crushing on, saying how easy it would be to take them away from me. She would also tell me how fat and ugly I was, making me even more insecure about myself so I would never dare challenge her. This was just our relationship, and I'm sorry to say that I would pretty much do whatever to please her and be her sister so we could keep some form of 'friendship'. But as we got older, I grew some back bone. And when I hit high school, mainly in my second year, I started to stand up for myself and wouldn't take her cruelties. I must say though, sometimes they would really get the best of me. And in grade 12 her words got worse and it was on a daily basis that she would tell me that 'I am a waste of skin. Not worth the air I breathe. A burden on my family and everyone around me. I am a fat sack of shit that will never amount to anything except maybe become an overweight middle aged woman managing a McDonalds. I am a useless human being and I should do everyone a favor and just kill myself.' Yeah. Now, I may have my 1950s vision of what a family is, but family should never ever say that to family. And I struggled with depression and after being barraided by such comments like that I would think to myself "If a member of my family thinks that then it would have to be true right? They would never say such things like that if it wasn't true would they?" It took a long time to realize that what she was saying couldn't be any further from the truth.

So, after I had moved back from school, coming home to what I thought was going to be a happy mother and sister, it couldn't have been further from the truth. My mother rarely spoke to me and all my sister would say would be these nasty  things. After one faithful evening of my sister pulling over the side of the road and telling me to "fucking getting out of the car" and that she would drop me off in Lower Fairview and couldn't careless if I were raped or killed, that was my push point. I needed to not be living with these people. Luckily however, I have absolutely wonderful friends. My dear dear friend, let's call her B.A (and yes it does stand for bad ass) offered to take me in. So I packed my things, informed my mother of where I would be and I left. It was a very good decision and quite the turning point I needed. It still doesn't quite feel like home yet but I hope that it will soon. I spend most of my time with my rockstar at his house, which I do secretly hope I would live in ( I think we are ready to take that step but we have this fear of talking about the big things so I need to pull up my big girl pants and do it). I still really miss my room, my bed, and my dog most of all. I still get sad thinking about all of these things and I have to hold back my tears and swallow the lump in my throat. I have to remind myself that I'm here and that there are better things out there for me. My mother use to say when I was little that life is a show and you have to choose who is in your front row wisely. People who are toxic in your life you have to let out in the balcony. Only this time, I have to put her out in the balcony of my life.

Now, after that long and depressing story this is where the song comes in. Every look on your history of facebook and find the songs you had posted to yours or a friends wall? Well that is precisely what I did today and I rediscovered a band that I had once deeply loved; Angus and Julia Stone. I was listening to their "For You" and decided to look at more of their songs. And then I found this one; "I'm Here, I'm Not Here". It made me feel sad and hopeful at the same time. It feels like what I feel right now if that makes any sense. With lyrics like "I'm living in this room and I don't really want to. I'm living in this home and I don't really want to." Is exactly how I feel about my living situations and what not. I hope you all enjoy it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T6DJcgm3wNY

I Wish I Was 25...

Sometimes, I just wish I was 25. Because most if not all of the time I feel older than the age I actually am. In my mind, by 25 I'd like to be married. I feel weird at the age I am (which is 7 years away from 25) to always be reading on the merits of veils, watching reality shows on wedding dresses and competitions on who has the best wedding. I would like to settle down and move in with someone who will grow old with me. I crave for that intense love that even though it may not be as passionate as it once was in the beginning, you still see that flicker and spark in their eyes. Oh and yes, I want a house. I want my own house so badly. After the year I have had with moving around and bouncing from place to place, I would love to have my own house to share with my rockstar of a boyfriend. Have somewhere where I can decorate as I please, stock my own kitchen and sit and relax and smile looking on at my handy work. Really, all I really want is a place to call home and someone to call home with. I want the normalcy and stability that I never always had. But, until then I will be patiently waiting. Waiting for the day I can open the door and call out " Honey I'm home...."
~ Kat ZappE