Dear ____,
I'm not sure if you remember this line from Breakfast at Tiffany's but, "Do you ever get the mean reds?. Not like the blues. The blues is just because it's been raining to long, or you're getting fat, you're sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly your afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" I have somehow acquired it. I'm now suddenly terrified and I'm not sure why, or what of. I guess, as trivial as it sounds, I'm afraid of being a failure. But everyone is aren't they? I think everyone just wants to know that they are doing okay. We need approval from someone else. And we shouldn't have to, the only approval we should need is from ourselves. I'm getting really scared about going to school again. Are you enjoying school? I miss it. But how do we know that what we are taking isn't a complete waste of time? That we aren't wasting our money and months or years of our lives doing something that we may fail at. Do you ever feel like that? I know you changed your major; how are you enjoying that? Does it feel right for you?
I am truly sorry that I am being such a downer but that's my melancholia creeping up on me. Another thing is the whole living situation. I don't know where to live. Or how to even go about the whole living situation thing. It's quite a long story, that I won't get into unless you are very interested in reading, but my manfriend is in E-town, and well, I'm not. I don't know, do I ask to move in with him if I am accepted into my program? It is in the area of the city that I need to be in to be going to school (it would be about a 15 minute bus ride to campus). But it's not just him and I that I need to factor in. There are his roommates and one very small dog. And what if they don't want me? And what if he doesn't want me? And what if he doesn't want me now but he does later, but by the time later comes around I'm living across town and it isn't practical finding a place for the two of us? How long do I wait for him? How long should I wait? Why should I wait? I'm scared that I am waiting for a man who doesn't want me. And it makes me sad. What did you do? How long did you wait until you knew you shouldn't anymore? When did you decided you didn't want to keep trying to make her happy? I do love talking to you. I'm sorry this letter's topic isn't as light hearted as our letters usually are.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Until next time my Huckleberry friend,
K
