My 2 year anniversary with my Rockstar is on Sunday. And after all the posts of how we argue and differ on so many things. I'm in love. Madly, hopelessly and sometimes foolishly. And I know in my heart, in my head and in my bones that he is in love with me too. It's good to be in love.
- Here is to love. Here is to the heart shaped boxes filled with love notes and poems of the unrequited variety and beyond.
The simplistic forms of love. Love that shows itself at 2AM, your eyes growing heavy, but still needing to write a goodnight text to your loved one before you drift off into the land of nod. The first thing you want to see and the last thing you want to see. The butterflies that still take form in your stomach, threatening to flutter out to the surface, even after all this time.
Always.
Here is to the showy forms of love. Thoughtfully bringing your dear's favorite meal and a bottle of virgin sangria to work, just to make a smile out of a long tiring night. Grand gestures of love that take form in a scrapbook of postcards and quotes, peach robe and a travelling steamer trunk.
Here is to giving a girl a piece of her grandfather on a day where she so desperately needed him to be there for her.
Thank you for the smiles, the laugher, the spooning, the soft kisses, the teases and the wise words given whether or not they wanted or needed to be heard. Thank you for everything my dearest Slim. I love you always. I carry you in my heart.
Love always your girl,
Cinnamon,
Pickles,
Hufflepuff,
Honey Cunt,
Winston,
Picklepuff,
~Kat ZappE
Friday, 23 May 2014
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Tonight We Hear The Sirens Call
Tonight we hear the sirens call.
And maybe tonight it isn't the beautiful mermaid with long silken hair, beckoning you to come with her, to dive in into her limitless tides. Calling out to you, singing your name sweetly and softly. She wants you and only you. To come swim with her. Lose yourself in the waters and the magic. Twisting and twirling your body, merely another weightless appendage to the seas vast body.
Instead, tonight may be the night where you aren't sure if the siren is calling to take you away on a stretcher or to see a new view behind cold steel plated bars. In a city where quietness causes uneasiness, it is hard to know to whom you should be prepared to meet.
No matter the call, be ready and willing to dive on in.
~ Kat ZappE
And maybe tonight it isn't the beautiful mermaid with long silken hair, beckoning you to come with her, to dive in into her limitless tides. Calling out to you, singing your name sweetly and softly. She wants you and only you. To come swim with her. Lose yourself in the waters and the magic. Twisting and twirling your body, merely another weightless appendage to the seas vast body.
Instead, tonight may be the night where you aren't sure if the siren is calling to take you away on a stretcher or to see a new view behind cold steel plated bars. In a city where quietness causes uneasiness, it is hard to know to whom you should be prepared to meet.
No matter the call, be ready and willing to dive on in.
~ Kat ZappE
Thursday, 27 March 2014
The Struggles of Not Yet Being A 20 Something
Sometimes I get really worried that I won't be any one important. I'm not even 20 yet and I'm afraid I will never have a career that I love. It's sort of that constant loop you know?
"What if I don't get in the program that I need? What if I don't get the grades I need to succeed? What if I graduate from school and I can't find a job? What if I get my dream job, but I end up hating it?"
Sometimes I forget about this anxiety and I'm happy. Or I try really hard to be happy. But this anxiety always creeps up on me.
This started today because I was thinking about how much I hate my part time job that I have been at for over a year now. I never always hated, but since I have transferred to a different store it hasn't been the same. And maybe it's just because I haven't been there long enough but I don't get that sense of family that I had at my previous store. I never thought it possible to be homesick for a job. I am thinking about sending out resumes and looking for another job, but I'm terrified I won't make enough money to get by. I'm already really struggling. Do I give up my guaranteed hours and pay, to find another job where I don't know if I will be able to buy groceries?
I could always ask my mother for money. Or even my grandmother for that matter. I get a call from one of them at least once a day asking if I'm doing alright and if I need money. Yes, I really really do need money. I am so broke I don't know how I am getting by. But I can't ask them for it. I some how have encoded in my head that I need to be an adult. I need to learn how to function and be a great adult. And great adults figure it out for themselves. Or at least my version of them do anyway. This model of an adult I have built inside of my head. I can't ask them because that would be cheating. I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to fuck up. And fuck up hugely. To the point where I'm not sure I can recover. But some how I must.
I moved to a new city and I was thinking about an apartment. My friend really wants to move in with me and at a point I really wanted to move in with her. Maybe it was a change of heart or my Rockstar just made me rethink everything, but the thought of getting an apartment with her terrifies me. Now, living in residence and the university we are attending and sharing a dorm together, I welcome that idea. Maybe because it's comfortable. Maybe it's because now I am realizing when it comes to some things, I am terrified of commitment. My Rockstar and I have been together for almost 2 years and not made it 'Facebook Official' and that really truly bothers me. Right down to my core it bothers me because it makes me think he is embarrassed of me or he still wants people to think of him as unattached. I'm not sure really what is the reason. I just know that if this were the 50s I would have been going steady for 2 years and still not have received his letterman jacket or class ring. That is the kind of commitment that I welcome. That I anxiously await. The idea of signing a lease with my friend for a year and living in an apartment with her, scares me. Because I don't know what will happen in a years time. She may not want to live with me. She has her Russian who lives downtown and they may want their own city paradise. I have decided I am no longer going to wait for my Rockstar. He has flip flopped on the idea of us living together, but deep down, I hope he is holding out for when our friend and his roommate is finally done school and he will want to live with me. It is an unrealistic hope, but it makes me fear signing a year lease when I am so unsure of what will happen in a year. This is the reason why I have never signed up for a phone plan before in my life. That is way too far into the future to plan on what phone plan that will suit my lifestyle then.
In some ways that is very funny. I am looking for commitment in my relationship but I can't give other people commitment in my own life. How does that even work?
I'm not yet 20 and I feel like I'm failing adulthood. I'm starting to realize adulthood is not an age but a state of mind. I think that that is already a big step to being an adult.
"What if I don't get in the program that I need? What if I don't get the grades I need to succeed? What if I graduate from school and I can't find a job? What if I get my dream job, but I end up hating it?"
Sometimes I forget about this anxiety and I'm happy. Or I try really hard to be happy. But this anxiety always creeps up on me.
This started today because I was thinking about how much I hate my part time job that I have been at for over a year now. I never always hated, but since I have transferred to a different store it hasn't been the same. And maybe it's just because I haven't been there long enough but I don't get that sense of family that I had at my previous store. I never thought it possible to be homesick for a job. I am thinking about sending out resumes and looking for another job, but I'm terrified I won't make enough money to get by. I'm already really struggling. Do I give up my guaranteed hours and pay, to find another job where I don't know if I will be able to buy groceries?
I could always ask my mother for money. Or even my grandmother for that matter. I get a call from one of them at least once a day asking if I'm doing alright and if I need money. Yes, I really really do need money. I am so broke I don't know how I am getting by. But I can't ask them for it. I some how have encoded in my head that I need to be an adult. I need to learn how to function and be a great adult. And great adults figure it out for themselves. Or at least my version of them do anyway. This model of an adult I have built inside of my head. I can't ask them because that would be cheating. I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to fuck up. And fuck up hugely. To the point where I'm not sure I can recover. But some how I must.
I moved to a new city and I was thinking about an apartment. My friend really wants to move in with me and at a point I really wanted to move in with her. Maybe it was a change of heart or my Rockstar just made me rethink everything, but the thought of getting an apartment with her terrifies me. Now, living in residence and the university we are attending and sharing a dorm together, I welcome that idea. Maybe because it's comfortable. Maybe it's because now I am realizing when it comes to some things, I am terrified of commitment. My Rockstar and I have been together for almost 2 years and not made it 'Facebook Official' and that really truly bothers me. Right down to my core it bothers me because it makes me think he is embarrassed of me or he still wants people to think of him as unattached. I'm not sure really what is the reason. I just know that if this were the 50s I would have been going steady for 2 years and still not have received his letterman jacket or class ring. That is the kind of commitment that I welcome. That I anxiously await. The idea of signing a lease with my friend for a year and living in an apartment with her, scares me. Because I don't know what will happen in a years time. She may not want to live with me. She has her Russian who lives downtown and they may want their own city paradise. I have decided I am no longer going to wait for my Rockstar. He has flip flopped on the idea of us living together, but deep down, I hope he is holding out for when our friend and his roommate is finally done school and he will want to live with me. It is an unrealistic hope, but it makes me fear signing a year lease when I am so unsure of what will happen in a year. This is the reason why I have never signed up for a phone plan before in my life. That is way too far into the future to plan on what phone plan that will suit my lifestyle then.
In some ways that is very funny. I am looking for commitment in my relationship but I can't give other people commitment in my own life. How does that even work?
I'm not yet 20 and I feel like I'm failing adulthood. I'm starting to realize adulthood is not an age but a state of mind. I think that that is already a big step to being an adult.
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