It's Good To Be In Love. It Really Does Suit You

My 2 year anniversary with my Rockstar is on Sunday. And after all the posts of how we argue and differ on so many things. I'm in love. Madly, hopelessly and sometimes foolishly. And I know in my heart, in my head and in my bones that he is in love with me too. It's good to be in love.



- Here is to love. Here is to the heart shaped boxes filled with love notes and poems of the unrequited variety and beyond.
The simplistic forms of love. Love that shows itself at 2AM, your eyes growing heavy, but still needing to write a goodnight text to your loved one before you drift off into the land of nod. The first thing you want to see and the last thing you want to see. The butterflies that still take form in your stomach, threatening to flutter out to the surface, even after all this time.
Always.
Here is to the showy forms of love. Thoughtfully bringing your dear's favorite meal and a bottle of virgin sangria to work, just to make a smile out of a long tiring night. Grand gestures of love that take form in a scrapbook of postcards and quotes, peach robe and a travelling steamer trunk.

Here is to giving a girl a piece of her grandfather on a day where she so desperately needed him to be there for her.

Thank you for the smiles, the laugher, the spooning, the soft kisses, the teases and the wise words given whether or not they wanted or needed to be heard. Thank you for everything my dearest Slim. I love you always. I carry you in my heart.

Love always your girl,

Cinnamon,
Pickles,
 Hufflepuff,
 Honey Cunt,
Winston,
Picklepuff,

~Kat ZappE

Tonight We Hear The Sirens Call

Tonight we hear the sirens call.
And maybe tonight it isn't the beautiful mermaid with long silken hair, beckoning you to come with her, to dive in into her limitless tides. Calling out to you, singing your name sweetly and softly. She wants you and only you. To come swim with her. Lose yourself in the waters and the magic. Twisting and twirling your body, merely another weightless appendage to the seas vast body.

Instead, tonight may be the night where you aren't sure if the siren is calling to take you away on a stretcher or to see a new view behind cold steel plated bars. In a city where quietness causes uneasiness, it is hard to know to whom you should be prepared to meet.

No matter the call, be ready and willing to dive on in.

~ Kat ZappE

The Struggles of Not Yet Being A 20 Something

Sometimes I get really worried that I won't be any one important. I'm not even 20 yet and I'm afraid I will never have a career that I love. It's sort of that constant loop you know?

"What if I don't get in the program that I need? What if I don't get the grades I need to succeed? What if I graduate from school and I can't find a job? What if I get my dream job, but I end up hating it?"

Sometimes I forget about this anxiety and I'm happy. Or I try really hard to be happy. But this anxiety always creeps up on me.
This started today because I was thinking about how much I hate my part time job that I have been at for over a year now. I never always hated, but since I have transferred to a different store it hasn't been the same. And maybe it's just because I haven't been there long enough but I don't get that sense of family that I had at my previous store. I never thought it possible to be homesick for a job. I am thinking about sending out resumes and looking for another job, but I'm terrified I won't make enough money to get by. I'm already really struggling. Do I give up my guaranteed hours and pay, to find another job where I don't know if I will be able to buy groceries?

I could always ask my mother for money. Or even my grandmother for that matter. I get a call from one of them at least once a day asking if I'm doing alright and if I need money. Yes, I really really do need money. I am so broke I don't know how I am getting by. But I can't ask them for it. I some how have encoded in my head that I need to be an adult. I need to learn how to function and be a great adult. And great adults figure it out for themselves. Or at least my version of them do anyway. This model of an adult I have built inside of my head. I can't ask them because that would be cheating. I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to fuck up. And fuck up hugely. To the point where I'm not sure I can recover. But some how I must.

I moved to a new city and I was thinking about an apartment. My friend really wants to move in with me and at a point I really wanted to move in with her. Maybe it was a change of heart or my Rockstar just made me rethink everything, but the thought of getting an apartment with her terrifies me. Now, living in residence and the university we are attending and sharing a dorm together, I welcome that idea. Maybe because it's comfortable. Maybe it's because now I am realizing when it comes to some things, I am terrified of commitment. My Rockstar and I have been together for almost 2 years and not made it 'Facebook Official' and that really truly bothers me. Right down to my core it bothers me because it makes me think he is embarrassed of me or he still wants people to think of him as unattached. I'm not sure really what is the reason. I just know that if this were the 50s I would have been going steady for 2 years and still not have received his letterman jacket or class ring. That is the kind of commitment that I welcome. That I anxiously await. The idea of signing a lease with my friend for a year and living in an apartment with her, scares me. Because I don't know what will happen in a years time. She may not want to live with me. She has her Russian who lives downtown and they may want their own city paradise. I have decided I am no longer going to wait for my Rockstar. He has flip flopped on the idea of us living together, but deep down, I hope he is holding out for when our friend and his roommate is finally done school and he will want to live with me. It is an unrealistic hope, but it makes me fear signing a year lease when I am so unsure of what will happen in a year. This is the reason why I have never signed up for a phone plan before in my life. That is way too far into the future to plan on what phone plan that will suit my lifestyle then.

In some ways that is very funny. I am looking for commitment in my relationship but I can't give other people commitment in my own life. How does that even work?

I'm not yet 20 and I feel like I'm failing adulthood. I'm starting to realize adulthood is not an age but a state of mind. I think that that is already a big step to being an adult.

Unpublished Letters

Dear ____,

I'm not sure if you remember this line from Breakfast at Tiffany's but, "Do you ever get the mean reds?. Not like the blues. The blues is just because it's been raining to long, or you're getting fat, you're sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly your afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" I have somehow acquired it. I'm now suddenly terrified and I'm not sure why, or what of. I guess, as trivial as it sounds, I'm afraid of being a failure. But everyone is aren't they? I think everyone just wants to know that they are doing okay. We need approval from someone else. And we shouldn't have to, the only approval we should need is from ourselves. I'm getting really scared about going to school again. Are you enjoying school? I miss it. But how do we know that what we are taking isn't a complete waste of time? That we aren't wasting our money and months or years of our lives doing something that we may fail at. Do you ever feel like that? I know you changed your major; how are you enjoying that? Does it feel right for you?

I am truly sorry that I am being such a downer but that's my melancholia creeping up on me. Another thing is the whole living situation. I don't know where to live. Or how to even go about the whole living situation thing. It's quite a long story, that I won't get into unless you are very interested in reading, but my manfriend is in E-town, and well, I'm not. I don't know, do I ask to move in with him if I am accepted into my program? It is in the area of the city that I need to be in to be going to school (it would be about a 15 minute bus ride to campus). But it's not just him and I that I need to factor in. There are his roommates and one very small dog. And what if they don't want me? And what if he doesn't want me? And what if he doesn't want me now but he does later, but by the time later comes around I'm living across town and it isn't practical finding a place for the two of us? How long do I wait for him? How long should I wait? Why should I wait? I'm scared that I am waiting for a man who doesn't want me. And it makes me sad. What did you do? How long did you wait until you knew you shouldn't anymore? When did you decided you didn't want to keep trying to make her happy? I do love talking to you. I'm sorry this letter's topic isn't as light hearted as our letters usually are.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Until next time my Huckleberry friend,

K

Home..

Sometimes, in my nomadic state of life as of current, I feel like I don't have any place to call home. I use to like the idea of being a drifter. Just me and my love moving through the world, without a care in the world, landing where ever we felt we should rest our heads for the night. This isn't taking a jab at my boyfriend (my love), but I don't have that romantic sense of life as a nomad. I drift from his place to my friends place. I just feel like a drifter. No where and no body to call home. But, I remain hopeful. Hopefully soon in my future this will change. Come July I will have a more definite answer. I am currently deciding between two cities. One to live with my rockstar and his bandmates, becoming and full time groupie and fashionista supreme, OR moving alone. Moving alone with my dog in a beautiful 1 bedroom apartment and taking on school and fashion among various things. For the longest of time, I thought I would only be content with the decision of moving away as long as I was following my rockstar. Now, I think I would be happy with either decision. Both have challenges of their own, and different demons that would need to be faced, but in both outcomes, I would have a home. Home. Because sometimes, home should be more than just a place you rest your head at night.

~ Kat ZappE

The One

Have you ever found this one song, that it's lyrics describe your life perfectly to the T of what is happening in your life and the emotions and everything that you are going though?
Before I tell you what this song is, let me just give you a little recap of my life as of current. I seem to not every say much about my current life as happening seeing as I have this horrible tendency not to blog very much.

So my life as of current, for lack of a better term and I don't mean to say this as a pity party to make you feel bad for me, is shit. My relationship with my family has gone straight down the tubes. And when I say my family I mean my mother and my youngest sister, who I have spent my life growing up with and who I was sharing a house with until recently. Now I love my mother and my sister with all of my heart. But they are no longer good for me in my life. My mother has gone through 2 divorces, the second (my father) was the worst of all. By the time I was about 10 or 11 she was just really exhausted after raising her two oldest kids, that she sort of wanted a second try at the dating game that she never had in her 20s and kind of gave up as a mother. Don't get me wrong she had her moments at times and to be completely honest I probably wouldn't be the person I am today without having someone like her in my life. But recently, since my high school years, we no longer get a long and more often than not it feels as though I am the parent and she is the angsty hormonal teenager. I just could no longer handle it and now our relationship has become very strained.

As for my little sister, let's just say she is a total 10. She is drop dead gorgeous. Like perfect hourglass figure, the hair, the skin, the teeth, the whole 9 yards. Men and boys alike have always wanted her when we were growing up and I am sure that is how it will be for the rest of her life. I have always felt somewhat insecure about how I look because of this, and though growing up my sister and I have tried and sometimes were each others best friend, my sister would play on my insecurities. If she didn't get her way she would threaten to 'steal' whatever boy I had been crushing on, saying how easy it would be to take them away from me. She would also tell me how fat and ugly I was, making me even more insecure about myself so I would never dare challenge her. This was just our relationship, and I'm sorry to say that I would pretty much do whatever to please her and be her sister so we could keep some form of 'friendship'. But as we got older, I grew some back bone. And when I hit high school, mainly in my second year, I started to stand up for myself and wouldn't take her cruelties. I must say though, sometimes they would really get the best of me. And in grade 12 her words got worse and it was on a daily basis that she would tell me that 'I am a waste of skin. Not worth the air I breathe. A burden on my family and everyone around me. I am a fat sack of shit that will never amount to anything except maybe become an overweight middle aged woman managing a McDonalds. I am a useless human being and I should do everyone a favor and just kill myself.' Yeah. Now, I may have my 1950s vision of what a family is, but family should never ever say that to family. And I struggled with depression and after being barraided by such comments like that I would think to myself "If a member of my family thinks that then it would have to be true right? They would never say such things like that if it wasn't true would they?" It took a long time to realize that what she was saying couldn't be any further from the truth.

So, after I had moved back from school, coming home to what I thought was going to be a happy mother and sister, it couldn't have been further from the truth. My mother rarely spoke to me and all my sister would say would be these nasty  things. After one faithful evening of my sister pulling over the side of the road and telling me to "fucking getting out of the car" and that she would drop me off in Lower Fairview and couldn't careless if I were raped or killed, that was my push point. I needed to not be living with these people. Luckily however, I have absolutely wonderful friends. My dear dear friend, let's call her B.A (and yes it does stand for bad ass) offered to take me in. So I packed my things, informed my mother of where I would be and I left. It was a very good decision and quite the turning point I needed. It still doesn't quite feel like home yet but I hope that it will soon. I spend most of my time with my rockstar at his house, which I do secretly hope I would live in ( I think we are ready to take that step but we have this fear of talking about the big things so I need to pull up my big girl pants and do it). I still really miss my room, my bed, and my dog most of all. I still get sad thinking about all of these things and I have to hold back my tears and swallow the lump in my throat. I have to remind myself that I'm here and that there are better things out there for me. My mother use to say when I was little that life is a show and you have to choose who is in your front row wisely. People who are toxic in your life you have to let out in the balcony. Only this time, I have to put her out in the balcony of my life.

Now, after that long and depressing story this is where the song comes in. Every look on your history of facebook and find the songs you had posted to yours or a friends wall? Well that is precisely what I did today and I rediscovered a band that I had once deeply loved; Angus and Julia Stone. I was listening to their "For You" and decided to look at more of their songs. And then I found this one; "I'm Here, I'm Not Here". It made me feel sad and hopeful at the same time. It feels like what I feel right now if that makes any sense. With lyrics like "I'm living in this room and I don't really want to. I'm living in this home and I don't really want to." Is exactly how I feel about my living situations and what not. I hope you all enjoy it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T6DJcgm3wNY

I Wish I Was 25...

Sometimes, I just wish I was 25. Because most if not all of the time I feel older than the age I actually am. In my mind, by 25 I'd like to be married. I feel weird at the age I am (which is 7 years away from 25) to always be reading on the merits of veils, watching reality shows on wedding dresses and competitions on who has the best wedding. I would like to settle down and move in with someone who will grow old with me. I crave for that intense love that even though it may not be as passionate as it once was in the beginning, you still see that flicker and spark in their eyes. Oh and yes, I want a house. I want my own house so badly. After the year I have had with moving around and bouncing from place to place, I would love to have my own house to share with my rockstar of a boyfriend. Have somewhere where I can decorate as I please, stock my own kitchen and sit and relax and smile looking on at my handy work. Really, all I really want is a place to call home and someone to call home with. I want the normalcy and stability that I never always had. But, until then I will be patiently waiting. Waiting for the day I can open the door and call out " Honey I'm home...."
~ Kat ZappE