The One

Have you ever found this one song, that it's lyrics describe your life perfectly to the T of what is happening in your life and the emotions and everything that you are going though?
Before I tell you what this song is, let me just give you a little recap of my life as of current. I seem to not every say much about my current life as happening seeing as I have this horrible tendency not to blog very much.

So my life as of current, for lack of a better term and I don't mean to say this as a pity party to make you feel bad for me, is shit. My relationship with my family has gone straight down the tubes. And when I say my family I mean my mother and my youngest sister, who I have spent my life growing up with and who I was sharing a house with until recently. Now I love my mother and my sister with all of my heart. But they are no longer good for me in my life. My mother has gone through 2 divorces, the second (my father) was the worst of all. By the time I was about 10 or 11 she was just really exhausted after raising her two oldest kids, that she sort of wanted a second try at the dating game that she never had in her 20s and kind of gave up as a mother. Don't get me wrong she had her moments at times and to be completely honest I probably wouldn't be the person I am today without having someone like her in my life. But recently, since my high school years, we no longer get a long and more often than not it feels as though I am the parent and she is the angsty hormonal teenager. I just could no longer handle it and now our relationship has become very strained.

As for my little sister, let's just say she is a total 10. She is drop dead gorgeous. Like perfect hourglass figure, the hair, the skin, the teeth, the whole 9 yards. Men and boys alike have always wanted her when we were growing up and I am sure that is how it will be for the rest of her life. I have always felt somewhat insecure about how I look because of this, and though growing up my sister and I have tried and sometimes were each others best friend, my sister would play on my insecurities. If she didn't get her way she would threaten to 'steal' whatever boy I had been crushing on, saying how easy it would be to take them away from me. She would also tell me how fat and ugly I was, making me even more insecure about myself so I would never dare challenge her. This was just our relationship, and I'm sorry to say that I would pretty much do whatever to please her and be her sister so we could keep some form of 'friendship'. But as we got older, I grew some back bone. And when I hit high school, mainly in my second year, I started to stand up for myself and wouldn't take her cruelties. I must say though, sometimes they would really get the best of me. And in grade 12 her words got worse and it was on a daily basis that she would tell me that 'I am a waste of skin. Not worth the air I breathe. A burden on my family and everyone around me. I am a fat sack of shit that will never amount to anything except maybe become an overweight middle aged woman managing a McDonalds. I am a useless human being and I should do everyone a favor and just kill myself.' Yeah. Now, I may have my 1950s vision of what a family is, but family should never ever say that to family. And I struggled with depression and after being barraided by such comments like that I would think to myself "If a member of my family thinks that then it would have to be true right? They would never say such things like that if it wasn't true would they?" It took a long time to realize that what she was saying couldn't be any further from the truth.

So, after I had moved back from school, coming home to what I thought was going to be a happy mother and sister, it couldn't have been further from the truth. My mother rarely spoke to me and all my sister would say would be these nasty  things. After one faithful evening of my sister pulling over the side of the road and telling me to "fucking getting out of the car" and that she would drop me off in Lower Fairview and couldn't careless if I were raped or killed, that was my push point. I needed to not be living with these people. Luckily however, I have absolutely wonderful friends. My dear dear friend, let's call her B.A (and yes it does stand for bad ass) offered to take me in. So I packed my things, informed my mother of where I would be and I left. It was a very good decision and quite the turning point I needed. It still doesn't quite feel like home yet but I hope that it will soon. I spend most of my time with my rockstar at his house, which I do secretly hope I would live in ( I think we are ready to take that step but we have this fear of talking about the big things so I need to pull up my big girl pants and do it). I still really miss my room, my bed, and my dog most of all. I still get sad thinking about all of these things and I have to hold back my tears and swallow the lump in my throat. I have to remind myself that I'm here and that there are better things out there for me. My mother use to say when I was little that life is a show and you have to choose who is in your front row wisely. People who are toxic in your life you have to let out in the balcony. Only this time, I have to put her out in the balcony of my life.

Now, after that long and depressing story this is where the song comes in. Every look on your history of facebook and find the songs you had posted to yours or a friends wall? Well that is precisely what I did today and I rediscovered a band that I had once deeply loved; Angus and Julia Stone. I was listening to their "For You" and decided to look at more of their songs. And then I found this one; "I'm Here, I'm Not Here". It made me feel sad and hopeful at the same time. It feels like what I feel right now if that makes any sense. With lyrics like "I'm living in this room and I don't really want to. I'm living in this home and I don't really want to." Is exactly how I feel about my living situations and what not. I hope you all enjoy it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T6DJcgm3wNY

I Wish I Was 25...

Sometimes, I just wish I was 25. Because most if not all of the time I feel older than the age I actually am. In my mind, by 25 I'd like to be married. I feel weird at the age I am (which is 7 years away from 25) to always be reading on the merits of veils, watching reality shows on wedding dresses and competitions on who has the best wedding. I would like to settle down and move in with someone who will grow old with me. I crave for that intense love that even though it may not be as passionate as it once was in the beginning, you still see that flicker and spark in their eyes. Oh and yes, I want a house. I want my own house so badly. After the year I have had with moving around and bouncing from place to place, I would love to have my own house to share with my rockstar of a boyfriend. Have somewhere where I can decorate as I please, stock my own kitchen and sit and relax and smile looking on at my handy work. Really, all I really want is a place to call home and someone to call home with. I want the normalcy and stability that I never always had. But, until then I will be patiently waiting. Waiting for the day I can open the door and call out " Honey I'm home...."
~ Kat ZappE

My Huckleberry Friend

Hello All.
I am terrible sorry it's been so long since I've been here. Been a whole year in fact. But since I'm in a completely new chapter of my life, what with school, men (yes men, not boys here), a new age bracket, new city; time to start over. Time to start fresh.
Maybe I should start off with a little recap of what has happened in the past year.
Well I finished high school! Oh yes, finally! I went through, I made my mark as stage manager of the high school production, modeled in the grad fashion show, acted, wrote and directed a One Act that brought home 4 awards (beating out my arch rival is a pretty good bonus), made honor roll and graduated in a beautiful dress making me pretty in pink. I made it through the summer, I had some bumpy patches along the way, but you can't cross the moon river unless you make it through the rough.
I found a guy. A man. And if you can said to me months and months ago that I would be with him, I would have thought you crazy. He makes me crazy stupid happy. The kind of happy you feel through to your toes you know? He's a musician of all things ;) Sort of Jim Morrison-esque in a way. Guess that makes me his Pamela Courson.
With the graduating from high school, I just so happen to be doing the university thing. I moved 4 hours from home ( 3 1/2 if you speed ) and I'm giving it the ol' college try. So this is my life now. The new chapter. And hopefully the most interesting. I'll try to keep you up to date on these goings on in this life I have found.
I do hope you stick around friends. My Huckleberry friend.

~ Kat Zappe

One Might Not Be So Lonely

Well my friends I have quite some news to share. I am officially single. Yes I was single a month ago, but now I'm more singular. I do find one is the lonliest number so far, but hey there are plenty of other 1's out there right? Hehe, I was trying to be funny with some type of math joke and I think I failed.

Anywho, today I am writing about the perks of single-dom. Though I haven't yet experienced them myself, here goes. Cause just because you don't have to involve "WE" when ever you are talking to someone else, doesn't mean you aren't allowed anyless of the fun.

10 THINGS TO DO WHILE SINGLE:

1. You don't have to compromise on movie choices, settling for one you really do not want to see
2. You can eat whatever you want! You worries of garlic breath or binding by allergy regulations
3. You get to dress for you. Wearing your comfy sweater because it's comfy gosh darn it and you don't care if it makes you look 80.
4. You don't have to wait around your house trying to find something to do because someone is 10 minutes late to pick you up
5. Ladies: Make up less! You can come home after a long day and wash away all that rouge and foundation and just relax. Who are you trying to impress at home? You're dog?
6. No longer do you have to pretend you like something just because your significant other likes it. "Oh! Basketball! Yippee!" (Not)
7. You can buy things for yourself nothing worrying if it's silly or impractical
8. You can treat yourself out on the night on the town with the ladies or fellas and not about having to include your now 'ex'pendible other
9. You can do what you love and where to afraid or discouraged to do otherwise
10. No more awkward friend hang outs where you never really felt included

So there are somethings you get to do now you don't have 225 lbs. attacted to your hip (that's just a rough approximation). The things you can do for you and not having to worry about making them happy. Right now, I'm not quite ready to do those things, but in due time I know I will. Cause there are things you will miss from being in a relationship. What I'll miss the most? I'll miss the feeling of butterflies. Whenever I use to see my man, my stomach would do flips. Like if I opened my mouth a butterfly would fly out of me. That's how I think you can test if you are in a good relationship or not. If you feel the butterflies wanting to get out. I was only with him for a year, but everyday and every moment I saw him, I'd get that feeling. So everyone, if you feel butterflies, work to keep them. Don't ever settle for nothing less than butterflies. And when you can't quite feel them clanging around in your insides, maybe it's time to find someone else who puts them back
~ Kat ZappE

What Can You Do With A Sentimental Heart?

Hello.
Well I know I have already made a post about goodbyes. But since I just had to say goodbye to that dashing man of mine, possibly for forever, I thought I'd bring up the topic again. I don't how many of you out there have said goodbye to someone you love so so dearly. I'm not talking about death (least not today I feel morbid enough talking about this already). I'm talking about saying goodbye to someone who is still alive, who you still love, who still loves you and having to walk away from it all. Putting your heart on a shelf for awhile, you know, to keep it safe for the mean time.


It's like that little dress you bought having instantly fallen in love with it. The price may have been over what you had expected but you want to make it worth your while because it fits you beautifully and compliments every feature. You were it out and about, dress it up and down and it is always your go to piece. But sometimes when you love something so much, you wear it out. You notice the color fading or there's a snag at the hem. Not wanting to give up your love you repair it, and except it at face value, and continue going on. Even though we fix and fix, and love more and more, we can't fix damage beyond repair. You have to say goodbye the that piece of fabric you had loved so much and move on. You'll still have the memories, and though the perfect shoes to go with it may catch your eye from time to time, you just have to smile and move on.

So everyone out there, keeping smiling. And just move on.~ Kat Zappe

Comme Des Enfants (Like Children)

Hello Kiddies! Yes I am extremely sorry for taking a months long hiatus, and I am sorry I don't have a great excuse like I was trapped in a mine, or I was off galavanting with my dashing man. I really don't have an excuse at all so for shame on me.

So anyway, summer. Mmm, why is it when I think summer I think peaches and cotton. Not like the cotton fluff  in fields but nice smooth, soft, simple cotton pressed and made into t-shirts and summer dresses. I seem to have a theme with this blog always talking about yester year, but doesn't remind you all of Woodstock? Summer of love and life. I think that's what all summer should be about that. People coming together for one common reason. Although I think we can leave the nudity and illegal substances at home and just have a good sober time for all.

I think it was when 1999 hit when summer started becoming different for people. Children 10 and under it still means the same, but that age is rapidly lowering. Kids aren't allowed to be kids anymore. With all that darn media propoganda and technology bombarding them it's a wonder that they get to be kids at all. Now my generation, I'll call us 'Generation Huh?', we too are growing up to fast. Since when did the term 13 going on 30 become so literal? Yes, especially my generation, we have to buck up, ship up and ship out, we need to be taking on more adult things. But even so, we aren't graduated yet. Let us hold on the precious few seconds we have before life becomes a blur, formed from bills, car payments and pention plans. Adults (and by adults I'm talking 30- 40s here, I'm sorry you 20 somethings, but you have as little of a clue of what you are doing as the 17-19 year olds do) are pushing there adult views down the impressionable faces of the impending future, and with out knowing better, we are taking what they are saying and doing for what we too should be doing. Now 'Generation Huh?', listen to your guts here! Do what YOU think is right! Make choices that YOU will have to live by and abide. It's our futures we are talking about here! It isn't theirs anymore. You're off to great places, you're off and away!
~ Kat Zappe

Life Is What Happens When You Are Busy Making Other Plans

So end of the year, end of an era. Beginning of an end in a way. The last year of high school is upon me and I don't quite know what to make of it yet. My feelings remain bittersweet on the subject. I am so longing to be gone, far away from this piece of suburbian pie of Alberta, to be my own person and do whatever it is I've been wanting to do. But, I don't exactly know what it is I want to do. And what I'm most hesitant of, most unwilling to except, is saying goodbye. Saying goodbye to this town, no matter how much I don't seem to fit. Saying goodbye to my family even though at times I want to say good riddence. Saying goodbye to friends, some I know it's better to part, and others I will miss forever. And saying goodbye to that special someone. Whether they are picking up and leaving you or you are walking away from them.I think that's the hardest goodbye to say of them all. Saying goodbye to someone you love, under any circumstances.

When did growing up get to be so hard? And why the heck do we want it so badly? We want to grow up and grow up, get through one school to go to another, move through another year so we can get closer to the coveted age of adulthood. We move ahead so fast we forget to look around, stop and enjoy the flowers if you will. Cause, and this might just be me, but once you hit 15 or 16, life seems to pick up at full speed. I miss the childhood days. When making mistakes were apart of learning and coloring books were okay! (Yes, I still have a colorbook that I still use, wanna fight about it?)

When I think about growing up, I think about this poem in the book 'Perks of Being a Wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky. It goes a little something like this.Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Okay I know this sound really morbid, but does it remind you, even slightly of what growing up is? Getting rid of the childhood, whether you want to or not? Have people remove their kid gloves around you, and start treating you like an adult. But adulthood, doesn't have to be as we think it has to be. Try to incorrirate your inner kid once in awhile. All hope won't seem lost.
~Kat ZappE